A month ago, everyone I knew was elated about the presidential campaign. Now everyone I know just wants it to go away.

Barack has acquired a barnacle called Rev. Wright. Rev. Wright reminds me of Billy Carter (anyone remember Billy?), who climbed out of a beer bottle to become a constant embarrassment to Brother Jimmy, the big difference being that Jimmy already had been elected President, and Barack hasn’t. Poor Barack.

Hillary, a product of Yale Law School, wants us to think she chews Red Man and drives a semi.

And Straight-Talking John has flip-flopped like a beached tuna. By now he has succeeded in renouncing every position he ever held, putting even John Kerry to shame.

It is to barf.

But I come to bury these Caesars, not to praise them. Let’s start with the Democratic Party.

Howard Dean sent an email the other day asking me to take a look at his new straight-talking commercial that nails John McCain for saying we’ll stay in Iraq “100 years.” ‘We’ve got him on tape! Look! Look!’ Howard screamed, jumping up and down and puffing out his cheeks. Instead, I went to YouTube and watched the entire 6+-minute town hall meeting.

I saw a McCain who was giving a rather reasoned disquisition on how the U.S. always maintains troops for decades in places where it has fought, like Korea and Bosnia, and say Iraq would be no different. He did say “100 years” (bet HE’s sorry), but he also added a big “if,” which is that we’d be likely to stay in Iraq only as long as U.S. troops weren’t being killed.

So much for honesty on the part of the Democratic Party. Now let’s talk about one of its candidates, Poor Barack.

Poor Barack’s message of hope is being drowned by the guy he once (rather recently) compared to a beloved but crazy old uncle. (All right, Poor Barack didn’t use the word “crazy,” but we got the point.) Rev. Wright is crazy all right — crazy about himself. I was ready to feel some sympathy for a guy whose lifetime reputation gets trashed in about 90 minutes of presidential campaigning, but Rev. Wright has worn out his welcome. In this coming-out tour of his, it’s been all about The Rev.

Before he appeared at the Press Club, I wasn’t convinced Wright was a bad guy. After all, I recently wrote that he was merely expounding liberation theology, and that us whites ought not to be so naive because this stuff has been around a long time. Again though I went to YouTube, this time to view 6+ unedited minutes of one of Wright’s most inflammatory sermons.

I’m big on context and fairness, and I can truly say that in those 6+ minutes of context, Wright discredited himself. He told about a half a dozen lies and at least as many half-truths. He also displayed a most un-Christian demeanor, using the very kind of invective he accuses his enemies of using. Then he went before the Press Club audience and basically took Poor Barack down, saying our boy must say what he says because he’s just a politician. Ouch, Rev.

This couldn’t be worse for Poor Barack. Follow me here. Barack is trying to be the un-Jesse Jackson, the candidate who will transcend race and get us beyond the legacy of the Civil War that still cripples us Americans, black and white alike. But Barack attended The Rev’s church while The Rev was The Rev there, and Barack did so for years. The Rev conducted Barack’s marriage and baptized his kids. Barack says he never heard The Rev on one of his racist stemwinders but, after watching the YouTube video, I’m finding that harder to swallow.

If Barack is telling the truth, then he’s either naive or stupid — and we know he is neither of those things. And if Barack is lying, well … he’s lying — about pretty serious stuff — and looking more like what The Rev says he is: just another politician.

(Full disclosure: I really like Poor Barack. I think his call to cast off our 150-year-old racial millstone is just what America needs, and I’ve said so numerous times in numerous ways, in this space and elsewhere. I don’t think he really is “just another politician.” But if he starts looking like one to enough voters, it doesn’t matter what he “really” is.)

Another guy I really like — or anyway used to like — is Straight-Talking John. I am a sucker for straight talk, for one thing, and this guy sure has delivered it — for example, getting up in front of nativist audiences and talking about opening doors to Mexican immigrants, for God’s sake. He had a devil-may-care insouciance; he almost seemed to embrace self-immolation. For perverse observers of the political scene like myself, that’s very attractive. Sure, as a registered Democrat and proud liberal, I disliked many many of S-T John’s positions, but I thought he had the character and temperament to make a fine president. (Something I also thought, and still think, that Obama has. We’ll get to Hillary in a moment.)

But now John, who once blasted broad-scale tax-cutting as irresponsible, wants to extend the Bush tax cuts into forever. Now fiscally conservative John is now calling for a gas tax holiday this summer. (Great idea, John — that ought to dampen consumption nicely and drive crude prices back below $20 by, oh, Aug. 20, max.) John has a health plan that isn’t a plan at all, and the temerity to go into Appalachia and the Ninth Ward and tell those sad sacks that he doesn’t really think the federal government is the right body to do anything for them. (Unless you count the gas-tax holiday.) John! John! Straight-Talking John! We miss you, man!

Finally, there’s Hillary. I mean honestly, what’s to like? And voters really don’t like her. She wins Pennsylvania and her negative poll ratings go UP. How does she do that? Actually, I think I know. She lies about sniper fire in Bosnia to make herself look tough; she says illegal aliens (a) should (b) shouldn’t be given driver’s licenses; she claims the votes of two states (Michigan and Florida) that didn’t conduct legitimate primaries; she flip-flops on NAFTA, which could not have happened without the Clinton Administration’s massive support. Why, she even sides on a gas tax holiday with John the Economic Genius.

And then there’s Bill the Ineffable. Bill’s out there undercutting Poor Barack with the seamiest sort of racial manipulation, then pretending butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. These people want us to hand them the Red Phone for four, make that eight, years? It is, as I said, to barf.

It’s working, sorta. They’re tearing down Poor Barack (although failing to build up Big Bad Hil), and her argument gains traction that she deserves the nomination because she wins in the big Democratic states. Meantime John the Forked-Tongued seems to be trying to piss away this windfall, this gift the Democrats are trying to give him, by climbing into bed with W., the most hated president since … lemme see … Andrew Johnson?

And finally … this all may pass. Really, it may. Poor Barack still has the popular majority of primary votes in his pocket. He still occasionally remembers to remind us that all this back-and-forth is B.S., and to keep our eye on the ball — the economy and the war and health care. He probably wins the nomination; I make it 6:5 (any takers?). Hillary probably bites her lip and campaigns for Barack. Bill too, maybe. Then in the actual campaign, maybe John tries to Swift-Boat Barack and maybe it works. (It should be easy. Between Bill and Rev. Wright, the manual already is written.) Or maybe John nominates Cheney for vice president and starts wearing George Bush’s old clothes, and it doesn’t. Except for the Cheney part, John’s almost there already.

I don’t know. After the Democratic convention, my crystal ball grows cloudy. All I do know is, I wish I could stop paying attention. Too bad I can’t.

Frank Joseph
www.tolovemercy.com

P.S. This coming weekend, you can support our great Montgomery County MD library system at absolutely no cost, by buying ANYTHING (except memberships and gift cards) at ANY Barnes & Noble, ANYwhere in the world. Really — any THING any WHERE, not just in Montgomery County. Just give the cashier the following “Bookfair ID”: 238774. Write down that Bookfair ID number now. Then hie thee to the nearest Barnes & Noble this Friday-Saturday-Sunday and shop shop shop, hear?